A Smaller Space

Is there free will? What is the depth of this question? Can we place limits on awareness?

Deliciously philosophical questions, I know! Questions… but merely the tip of the tentacle.

When I was about 7, I decided to help my mother and, by extension, my brothers and sisters. That eventually extended into helping wherever I perceived a problem such as with society, someone’s psychology, and mundane things such as mechanical and furniture repairs. 

I’ve refined my abilities over the decades, acquiring a smattering of certificates and qualifications. The interesting thing with psychology and Astrology is that both require self-searching to comprehend the theories and applications.

They gradually forced me to look at myself. Transactional Analysis laid the paving stones for me to step forward and Astrology the confirmation of direction.

Now I’m 50 and finally decided to help myself. 

An odd journey, I must say. I’ve been driven for decades by good intention but this lead me into figurative hell. The last straw breaking my back was just a few months ago. Since then, I’ve been engaging in my favourite activity, exploration, but now in an introverted way.

Today, while talking with a true friend – only true friends can engage with such topics – I realised what the word ‘repressed’ means. I’ve only been giving voice to my feelings, putting words to old feelings, for a total of 2 weeks. 

It’s like an avalanche under the water, in the deep ocean. Chaos as the earth breaks apart but tumbling down into a more sensible and stable place. A suitable place. A comfortable place where they, those rocks, those feelings, belong.

Transactional Analysis specifically focusses on putting words to feelings. Such a marvellous creation! In lieu of professional assistance, I resorted to guiding myself.

With the help of two great friends.

So I’ve been naming the feelings I’ve kept repressed since I was 7 so I could function as ‘helper’. Before doing this, I felt disoriented in my location whereas now I feel I’m orienting parts within myself. 

I love this feeling!

I feel hunger directly now, not as a craving for chocolate.
I feel exhaustion now and don’t fight myself as much in falling asleep.
I feel isolated now but spend no time threatening or criticising myself for it.

Decades of habits are removing themselves to memory, of things I used to think, feel and do. None of them I have any need for.  Bye-bye.

I no longer have to keep myself in line to perform, at any given moment, as helper.

My world shrunk drastically today and I’m all the better for it. Gosh this is nice!