Battle Nations

Welcome, dear readers! Today we will do a battle of the nations and see who is the winner! This battle is between the panda-bamboo, 6000 year old, ancient history mega-nation of China and the 235 OR 60,000+ year old, kangaroo-eucalypt schizophrenic desert nation of Australia. Contestants: are you ready? 5 points for question 1! Round 1 topic: national identity. Who has the strongest?


Yes, China?

We recently recovered from era where we lost millennia-long position as global trade leader. We regained rightful place by adopting a foreign ideology to replace human frailty and we use the interloper’s profit scheme for them. We satisfied that we have grafted these onto our ancient and continuing extensive administration. Every Chinese citizen knows who daddy is. Tomfoolery not optional.

Oh, wow! Great response there, China! Looking good for that 5 points. Australia? Any response?

Aw yeah, ah, um. Well, we kinda got a constitution but yeah not really so, um, yeah. Never declared independence from Her Majesty, ay. Oh, His Majesty now, maybe. Um, Indigenous peoples they, erm… an’ we don’t have citizens so much as customers, ya know? Yeah. Bludgers mostly. Didgeridoos? Americans…


Yeah mate, time’s up. Tried ya best, yeah, nah. China wins Round 1 and 5 points! Now, moving onto Round 2. Topic is: human rights. Any takers?


Yes, China, and the chance to win 10 points!

We have strict and clear policy to ensure all citizens treated equally. All citizens know how to comply and, with complicity, enjoy benefits of strong state and deeply historic cultural identity. No citizen chooses to behave in ways unsuitable without knowing the punishment. Crime is minimal in our great nation considering poverty and everyone allowed to drive car, no licence required.

Oh, that’s a pretty strong position, there. Your citizens must enjoy a great peace of mind knowing their nation is supporting their lives.

We also support citizens as they move overseas and acquire wealth of other nations. Ensuring every citizen feels at home in foreign countries helps adjust quickly to alien environments.

Looking like 10 points, China! Australia?

Oh fuck. Um. Well, er… we kinda said sorry to Indigenous peoples for stealing their children for centuries but we haven’t actually stopped. Um… we don’t have any human rights here. Nup. It was sorta too much trouble after the Supreme bloody Court dropped the ball in ’92. Yeah. So, we used to have like free reign on global travel until the neoLiberals started interfering in other countries’ affairs. We kinda let the gays get married but none of them god-squadders liked that and we pay them lots o’cash to take over social services… um…


Yeah, nah. Seems like it’s you whose dropping the ball, matie. China, now on 15 points as we head into Round 3! Topic: economic power.


Yes, Australia? Hot on the buzzer there!

Aw yeah didn’ want them gettin’ in first again, ay. 

So, what’s your answer, for 15 points?

What answer?

To the question of economic power?

Oh! Fuck, yeah, um, well, ah… we kind just let them big companies do whatever, ya know? Everyone kinda wants our oil and gas and trees, mostly China, so we just let ‘em take the lot. 

Are you insane?

Yeah, now I put it like that, how the fuck did we get here? I don’t fucken know. Um, the Indigenous people keep asking us to kinda stop but I don’t even know how this is happening. COVID rooted the economy and we just sorta been doing whatever America wants and yeah, whatever. Mining is, er…



As you know, we made friend all around world. America released us from many restricting trade pact and with them ‘going down a gurgler’, as you Australian might say, give many 99 year lease to friend to help grow strong. British business method very useful. Return to rightful place and economy knows only glorious history of nation of China. More unstoppable than Tiananmen tank. Understand, yes?

Well, there’s no arguing with that. You just won another 15 points, added to your previous 15 points, China winning so far with a total of 30 points! Great going, China! Two rounds to go. Next topic, climate change!

Aw fuck this!!

Oh! And it seems Australia has stomped off in a hissy fit. Looks like they forfeit the consolation prize of West Papua, recently invaded brutally by Indonesia who were trained and supplied by the Australian army. Oh, well. And, gasp, China is the winner! Congratulations on the strength of your economy, national identity and <cough> human rights. Well done!

Thank-you for game playing. Please visit local China Town for tasty treats and affordable shopping.

Yes, thanks China. And thank-you readers for coming along to this episode of Battle Nations!