A few years ago, something happened in my mind which was not entirely available to conscious awareness. For most of my life I had been quite poor at managing money. Was never as bad as some as I became debt-free in 2002, but still not quite good enough by my own estimation – until recently.
I spent a fairly intense period of time focussing on my maladaptive coping mechanism of threatening myself with death as a way to calm my anxiety. A catch-22 of sorts, no question. Through this process, my suicidal ideation was:
1. I have no value if I’m not helping.
2. I have no control over my life except my life itself.
3. Maybe they’ll appreciate me after I’m dead.
4. Every option leads to more pain and deeper misery.
My path away from these thoughts: I removed my sense of self-worth from an extrinsic to an intrinsic locus of control, which met points 1, 2 and 3, and I also addressed point 4 with some internal work. Transactional Analysis provided the mechanism by which I could address my psychology.
I activated my Adult to teach my Parent how to nurture my Child.
The interesting point is that it was at this time I began to manage my money much more effectively. By last year I had saved several thousand dollars despite working for very low rates and yet still eating out often.
I had a natural sense of accumulation which I had never had before.
Yesterday, while chatting to Mr Starlight, it dawned on me that inner parenting and managing money are linked for me.
Central to these changes was that I learned to say ‘no’ to myself. My Adult is very effective and efficient at identifying salient information, triangulating evidence, and applying rational thought. TA provided the method for my Adult to apply years of coaching others to coaching my Parent.
My Parent is horrifically abusive: degrading, snarky, belittling, dismissive and vindictive, and a master of the silent treatment (with an abyss of guilt tripping). Once I was able to focus my skills on that aspect of my psychology, I engaged in self-care and self-nurturing. Mind you, I’ve been doing this for 4 years and I’m still not as effective as I’d like.
My Child is now recognising when people around me are not nurturing me at all. I have an instant ‘hang on!’ which I never previously possessed. However, I still need to consciously direct my Adult to counsel my Parent to be better at nurturing and kindness.
What’s this got to do with ‘no’ and financial management practices, again, I hear you ask.
Well – let me tell you!
Saying ‘no’ to my self-debasing drives and ‘no’ to my self-injuring rumination is the core component: saying ‘no’.
I hear myself saying this same ‘no’ when I’m looking at things I want to buy. I feel a sense of joy and comfort when I hear myself say ‘no’. And I feel love when I see the money in my savings account continuing to increase.
‘Just make do’ is a phrase that mentally highlights much more often now.
I’m starting to enjoy taking care of myself.
A D R A N 