What to do, how to feel, when things aren’t as they should be…
Early last year, my mother had a stroke. I expected I would be the main carer as I was studying full time and had the flexibility to drive into the mountains to manage her home and help out. I also live closest and have a history of cleaning and tidying, fixing and organising.
Incorrect!
My older brother, the two older of my younger sisters, and mother, all had other plans. My mother’s health needs combined with her stubbornness provided the proof of the pudding: I wasn’t to be involved.
Through last year I also processed the consequences of our family dynamic, too. The mind is a funny thing. It makes all sorts of assumptions. For example, I had always assumed my family would be as interested in resolving trauma so we could have stronger ties.
Oh, how foolish.
Toward the end of last year, third-hand information was that mum is in a care home, or something, with worsening mental faculties, and that the three above-mentioned kids want to sell the house.
Since I returned from 20 years living in Japan in 2020 and said ‘no’, just that one time, I’ve been out of style with my family.
‘So you’re not gonna do anything?!’ Erm, the paving, rock stairs, drainage, septic tank repair, animal tending, cleaning, driving, gardening, gutter clearing, furniture repair and building… sister?
Despite whatever I’d done to help, or perhaps because of what I’d done, I wasn’t seen as a boon but a threat.
‘No one likes you because you’re a goody-goody.’ Yeah, thanks mum.
No good deed, right?
I should be caring for her, and should be involved. I should be part of that family, and I should be allowed to say ‘no’ when I feel it necessary. They’ve all used the word fairly often, themselves.
Certainly, conflicting emotions reign.
On the other hand, my father has realised how much help I’ve been to him. Absent in childhood and with a 15 year hiatus while I was in Japan, I’ve deeply appreciated having a supportive parent over the past 3 years. A few months ago it clicked how much I do for him and he’s been appreciating me. We’ve rebuilt a relationship we haven’t had since 1988.
Fashions change.
A D R A N 